Therapy Before Anti-Depressants

It’s been a really long time since I was last inspired to put my thoughts into writing. For me, Instagram captions have replaced longer form blog writing, which is a reflection of my inability to hold concentration on just one topic for an extended period of time.

But today feels different.

On my morning scroll I was met with a BBC article that reads:

NHS could give therapy before anti-depressants, under new guidelines

In theory I feel as though I should be ecstatic about this. This is, after all, what I’ve been advocating for this entire time through Run Talk Run, right?

Before I delve into my current thoughts on the article and the complete overhaul of how depression is possibly now to be approached I think it is worthwhile exploring my very first interaction with the “medication debate” and my own personal shift in perspective.

Let’s talk about Johann Hari. Mr “anti-anti-depressants”.

In 2017 I was doing an absolute tonne of self development and self-help reading. I was in a depressed state for a number of months and was reading anything I could on the topic of depression to try and better understand why I found myself in a state of permanent melancholy.

I read Johann Hari’s book, Lost Connections, and had my eyes pried open. It was the first time I had ever been introduced to the notion that my anti-depressants had been too readily prescribed, and that during my visits to the GP all other life circumstances had been ignored. Johann describes the symptoms of depression as being a natural reaction to our circumstances. It is to be expected, essentially, if we are not maintaining connection with ourselves, with others, with our work, our environment, and so on.

I soon realised that there was far more work that I needed to do to improve my sense of connection with “the self” if I was ever to move closer to escaping the heaviness that I felt on my chest. I also realised that connection with other people was also going to be a critical part of my recovery, and it largely inspired the development of Run Talk Run’s early days too.

I immediately took myself off the anti-depressants I was taking (note: bad move, not recommended at all, please do so gradually with the help of a doctor if you’re considering this) and I threw myself into developing my life into one that was centred around that one word: Connection.

So what’s happening now?

The new draft guidelines say: "Do not routinely offer antidepressant medication as first-line treatment for less severe depression, unless that is the person's preference."

In place of anti-depressants being the immediate response, there is a push towards group CBT and outdoor activities, such as exercise. If I’m going to have a moment of complete honesty, I feel as though GP practices have already moved slightly towards this way of thinking. I can only speak on behalf of my current state of depression and interaction with my East London GP, but I have been offered ‘Group Mindfulness CBT’ and medication hasn’t arisen once in my conversation about treatment.

Why I think it’s great

Reliance on medication alone can be harmful. If a person is to make a full recovery from mental ill health, it is likely that they will need to develop wellbeing tools outside of their medication to support their recovery. Talking therapy, exercise, and time outdoors are all great tools to improving a persons physical and mental wellbeing. There is a risk with the prescription of an anti-depressant, that the person feeling unwell doesn’t seek to look after their wellbeing in these other ways too.

Another reason why this is a really positive move is that for some people, medication quite simply does not work. We really have reached a point where it is ignorant and dangerous to brush aside the other ways in which someone might be able to recover from mental ill health.

Why I’m feeling quite uneasy about it all

Medication does have it’s place in treating mental ill health. Despite my own personal revelation on the back of reading Johann’s book in 2017, I still wholeheartedly believe that medication is an effective tool for taking someone from -3 to zero. They might not get them to +3 but at least it can help someone feel on a more even keel. This then might just be the lift that someone needs to engage in all of the other activities like therapy, exercise, etc, that will also support their wellbeing. Some people truly do need the support of medication to feel like they are even in a place where they can attempt things like CBT.

My second concern with this move, is that the NHS will not be ready to cope with the increase in demand of therapy, in place of medication. There is already a waiting list that is far too long, and I am concerned that people will be put to the side to “wait” for treatment which will result in devastating and preventable consequences.

As the founder of a Peer Support non profit that 100% ticks the boxes of what a GP would want to prescribe someone to, I am concerned about the increased demand on grassroots organisations like my own. There is a significant need for more funding in the non-profit sector, if we are to carry the weight of a nation that is very much in a mental health crisis. There are, of course, pots of money in the forms of grants and funding but it is competitive beyond belief, and I draw on my own experience here when I say that they make it incredibly hard for someone relatively inexperienced (like myself) to make a successful application. The various loopholes that you have to jump through to access these pots of money is both unfair and anxiety-provoking - ironically.

What are my thoughts overall

At the end of the day, I think that a more holistic approach to supporting people with their mental health has been LONG awaited. The question is, are we actually ready to provide that support?

Link to the BBC article can be found here - https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-59383722

Run Talk Run - The Story Up Until Now (4th edition)

With another October fast approaching, and celebration prep well underway for our 4th Birthday, I present to you here the traditional Run Talk Run yearly update.

In this reflective piece of Jess ramblings, you will find a breakdown of our journey so far. Every year as summer turns to autumn, I have indulged myself in some time to look back at where we've been over the last year. The lives we've touched, the runs we've held, the obstacles presented (and mostly, overcome).

I stubbornly refuse to edit the tone of voice I used 3 years ago to reflect on the journey, and so the only new piece of text in this article takes us from October 2020 to this present day.

To give some context of our journey so far:

• October 2017 - 1 group

• October 2018 - 3 groups

• October 2019 - 65 groups

• October 2020 - 103 groups

• October 2021 - 170 groups

This is a fun and emotional activity for me and I hope you enjoy it too. It makes me ever so excited for the year ahead and is a reminder of just how much can happen in just one year.

Summer of 2017

I, Jess Robson, was in a particularly bad place in my noggin. Things had started to spiral from about April after some big life changes and fact of the matter was that I just wasn’t coping.

I gave therapy a whirl, and whilst my lovely therapist with a gorgeous soul was likely very good at his job, the relationship just didn’t “click” and I didn’t feel able to share fully what was going on.

I spent a fair bit of time going home during this weird, low phase. My mums a keen runner (LOL #understatement) and she quite rightly dragged me out on a Sunday morning whenever I spent the weekend at home. It dawned on me that I was opening up far more during these long runs than I ever did sat face to face with my therapist.

my inspiration

October 2017

I was finally running more and more again. My mums encouragement and inspiring messages were putting me back on a path to recovery through the sheer pounding of pavements. I realised (not for the first time) that this was MY SPACE. This was where I felt good about life, and I felt like the sharp edge of depression was beginning to soften.

I was part of an online fitness community at this point who shared a group whatsapp, and I suggested to the group that us Londoners made a habit of meeting to run and chat. I explained (in not TOO many words) the position I was coming from – #MentalHealthWarrior – and there was just one girl (out of hundreds) who actually agreed this was indeed a lovely idea.

We met once, we ran once, we spoke briefly about anxiety and then that was that – she didn’t come along again.

By this point I’d decided that to get a solid group of people together to run with consistently, weekly, I was going to HAVE to reach beyond my own friendship groups and contacts. I asked Instagram to put the idea of “Run Talk Run” out to their friends, and I gained a running buddy that way, who I am now lucky enough to consider a wonderful wonderful friend.

November & December 2017

Still very much in the throes of depression, I took it upon myself to position myself in the same spot every week outside Monument Station. I was lacking esteem, unsure of what the fuck I was really doing there. I was reaching out to everyone I bloody well could but the idea just simply wasn’t gaining any traction (or so it seemed).

Instagram followers were increasing, I was speaking to plenty of people about the wonderful benefits of running for our mental health. Everyone seemed to agree that this was just a brilliant idea so why was no one ever bloody showing up?!

I doubted VERY much whether I could see this through.

It was during these two months that I met the wonderful Tom Haswell, who I had the pleasure of meeting and running with a few times just before the Christmas break. It was through the (brutally honest) truths shared between us on those runs and the encouragement that he gave that allowed me just enough motivation to just keep trying.

depressed & determined in equal measure

January 2018

The Christmas break made me really sit down and consider whether pursuing Run Talk Run was potentially making me more ill. I was lacking in esteem to such a huge extent and still not really out of the mental funk I had found myself in.

Putting myself and my ideas “out there” and seeing them not really come to any fruition was really fucking tough.

I genuinely feel that if it were not for the support of my mum, and the mental health community on Instagram (big up Sanctus and their very inspiring ways!), I would have most definitely thrown in the bucket.

But (obvs) I carried on and decided to just go flippin’ HAM on this thing. I began contacting every mental health charity and organisation I could think of and told them what I was up to, asked if there was any support for these projects, asked for their advice. I got plenty of “advice” from all angles, but it was Rethink Mental Illness that really stepped up to the mark.

I met with Sam from Rethink who is a support group coordinator, and to be honest, even with the “mental health focus” I had never even considered RTR to be a support group. But it was the perfect way to look at it. Needless to say, the support and guidance from Rethink were a BLESSING and I was commended on my ability to show up week on week without anyone turning up. I was assured that this is what EVERY support group experiences when they first start out and if I could make it through “that phase” I could make it work, period.

Amy, Tom and I

February & March 2018

Rethink didn’t solve ALL my problems, mind you. I was still very much struggling to attract any consistent runners. I had myself and a team of 2 (Bryony and Tom I flipping love you!) and occasionally we’d be joined by a passer-through.

It was still REALLY fucking cold during these months and waiting outside the Runners Need shop at Monument not having a clue whether anyone would show up was (I won’t lie) feeling a bit silly almost. The biggest benefit I was seeing from Run Talk Run were these two close friendships that I was forming, and the fact that I was running consistently every Thursday. Because even when no one showed up I would get the fuck on with the run anyway regardless.  

Numbers are growing and smiles are getting bigger!

April 2018

Spring time saw the runners slowly begin to increase. Where I might have just 1 or 2 people show up previously, Run Talk Run was beginning to look more like a team of 4-8 people.

It goes without saying that seeing this many people run together, chatting about their shit and really “connecting” made every cold night running alone worthwhile.

I’d been doing a HELL of a lot of work on my mental health at this point, and it was a combination of self-improvements and Run Talk Run-improvements that were really just pulling me further and further away from the black dog. The further I was pulled from the black dog, the more I felt able to really give my all to my runners.

RTR band shot

June 2018

A short while before The Bridge Gym had confirmed their willingness to be the Run Talk Run home, I had been in contact with The Gym Group to see about hosting it from my local gym to work. The prospect seemed SO out of reach, and SO unlikely that I didn’t even give the request to The Gym a second thought.

I’d found RTR a home now, so I almost just had nothing to lose by really pushing hard on the “big-boy-chain-gym” and so I decided to get back in touch with the gym manager. The answer, to my complete and utter surprise was a YES – I could host RTR from The Gym. Surprised was an understatement (yep, I cried again).

So now we have two weekly meets – one from The Gym Waterloo (SE1 8UX) on Tuesdays and one from The Bridge Gym (SE1 0NQ) on Thursdays.

First run from The Gym Waterloo!

July 2018

Run Talk Run celebrated our first birthday with a 5km jog around Hyde Park followed by a picnic! We were fortunate enough to have a talk being delivered by the the wonderful Dan Furlong and it all went without a hitch!

August-October 2018

At the very beginning of August 2018 we were fortunate enough to share the RTR mission live on BBC news, which was a great opportunity to tell the world what we've been up to.

Run Talk Run Peterborough arrived at the end of the 2018 summer, and this was a MASSIVE turning point. When Jen started her RTR in a town outside of London, what she didn't realise she would be doing is actually inspiring runners up and down the country to follow suit.

I genuinely attribute a lot of the RTR growth to Jen Oliver purely because she showed runners what we could achieve, together, virtually. We don't need to be in London to be associated with one another. We can offer this support for our local community wherever we happen to find ourselves residing.

From this point onwards, I was probably getting an enquiry to set up a new Run Talk Run every month or so, with a big key turning point being receiving our first request for a RTR outside of the UK... Run Talk Run North California!

Peterborough runners

November - December 2018

The creation of groups outside of England, threw into question as to whether Run Talk Run could continue to be supported by Rethink Mental Illness. We decided to go it alone.

In November 2018, I left my 9-5 job to dedicate more of my time to the work we're doing, and Run Talk Run became a CIC.

a very proud moment

Our runs were getting chillier and chillier but the support just grew and grew and even the more "new" Run Talk Runs emerging were getting better attendance.

We spent our first "Christmas Party" at the Duke of Sussex.

our first Christmas celebrations together!

January - June 2019

January saw the start of multiple Run Talk Runs making their debut runs up and down the country. Who can remember RTR Tooting when it was anything less than 10 runners?! Madness! 

In Spring 2019 I threw myself wholeheartedly into keeping up with the volume of enquiries of people wanting to set up Run Talk Runs. This was a welcome distraction from my own emotional turmoil and some MEGA life changes. We now had around 15 runs, and it took me a while to figure out processes and systems of looking after so many run leaders at once.

In May we hosted our very first RTR Track session, continuing to make running less intimidating as a byproduct of what we do.

Tooting Run Talk Run

July 2019

July was an incredibly busy month for Run Talk Run. We launched about 15 new runs across London with the support of the MoreYoga studios, with most of these runs now being hosted by several Run Talk Run leaders.

This was the month where we also introduced our very first "merch". The wonderful team at Gato helped us create what is now our iconic black and white RTR tee. You can buy yourself a T Shirt or Vest in our online shop.

We also had the most fantastic opportunity to host a run at Love Trails this year, which was an incredible way to bring the RTR Love to running communities who might not have otherwise heard of the supportive environment we've been creating!

Sharing our movement with the people at Love Trails

August 2019

Our second birthday party rolled around far quicker than I ever could have expected. We celebrated proudly, bringing our runners and run leaders from around the UK to Pub on the Park in London Fields, Hackney. We completed 1km loops around the perimeter of the park, we listened to some AWESOME speakers, including Jane Vongvorachoti and Emily of Twice the Health and heard a few of our run leaders share their experience. The day was rounded off with some beautiful music from one of our Reading runners.

August also saw our very first Parkrun Takeover. Over 40 Run Talk Runners showed up to provide marshals and volunteers to ensure the Tooting parkrun went without a hitch, with cakes baked by runners in the community and a real sense of what we're all about was palpable.

tooting takeover

our 2nd birthday party

October - December 2019

These were some turbulent months for me personally. I made the decision to leave London and move back home to Sussex. This meant leaving the original RTR in Southwark (which I still attend as much as I can!) and setting up a new RTR in Eastbourne.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom though! In November 2019 I travelled to California for 3 weeks which meant I got to meet and run with the RTR North California community who were celebrating one year of Run Talk Running!

January 2020

This year (believe it or not) was actually off to a CRACKING start before Covid hit us.

RTR represented at the National Running Show and I spoke on the Inspiration Stage about my journey and the RTR journey up until now, supported by Leaders in the audience who clapped and provided Diet Coke!

In January myself and Izzy (a good friend who I’ve only met because of RTR!) had a trip to NYC where we hosted a run for the Lululemon store at Flat Iron.

February - July 2020

All flew by in a Covid blur. Despite not being able to run together physically, I was blown away by the way the RTR Leaders went out of their way to host a safe space online for their runners.

Read Talk Read was born, Run Tag Run (over Whatsapp) was born, the RTR Podcast was born, RTR Zooms were born.

We were apart, but still very much connected.

And not only this… a complete RECORD of people were reaching out to me about starting a RTR for when lockdown was lifted. I couldn’t wrap my head around how engaged everyone still was in the community that we’d been building despite the main element of what holds us together being taken away.

July - August 2020

It had been a loooong time coming, but finally this summer we ditched the logo that had been created in a Word Document in less than 5 minutes and rebranded ourselves with an iconic new logo that spread across our social feeds like wildfire. A facelift like no other!

Alongside the rebrand, we started launching runs in new locations from Croydon to Bangor to Hastings to Totnes, taking our current number of RTRs to 103!

October 2020

Instead of letting Covid slow our beautiful storm, the pace quickens for the growth of this community. On the second week of October we launched our VERY FIRST proper Run Talk Run “Organised Run” in collaboration with UltraX. This race that will be held in January 2021 will raise £20 with every ticket entry which will be donated to the NHS Charities Together fund. We are incredibly excited to see how much impact this could make. The route is an ultra distance through the streets of the RTR hometown - London - taking in iconic landmarks and most importantly, the original Southwark RTR Route too.

November 2020

It had long since been a little niggle in the back of my brain that Run Talk Run deserved a walking counterpart. Not everyone can run, and indeed, not everyone wants to run. With this in mind it felt logical to open up a slightly gentler version of our service... Walk Talk Walk. It was flipping brilliant to see the response to this and to have several of our RTR Leaders immediately put their hands up to lead a WTW in addition to their weekly run. The pandemic dictated that we were to stay indoors (in the UK) pretty much the moment we announced this launch and so most of our Walks didn't actually begin until Spring 2021.

(early) December 2020

It might not seem significant to you, as a reader, but actually December 2020 was the biggest threat RTR had faced in its entire journey.

I'd made a mistake when filing our taxes, and the result was some VERY angry letters from HMRC which threatened to shut down our entire organisation, meaning RTR would cease to exist.

The amount that we owed was a mere £9.00 and yet the stress those letters gave me was enough to make me have a breakdown. I went a full week without being able to interact with RTR-ers. I felt like a failure on so many levels and the desire to hit "delete" on the organisation before HMRC had a chance to was strong.

Of course, I didn't. Like most "problems", it was actually solvable... but the mental state it put me into for that week of back and forth-ing with letters and accountants is something I never wish to relive.

(late) December 2020

By this point, I'd been working 4 days a week for another organisation for about 5 months and it was becoming increasingly apparent that I just couldn't sustain the management of RTR alone. A very kind and wise man called James Eggleton provided me with some very long phone calls over this period of time which helped me see the wood for the trees (taken this saying from a Bristol Leader Meg!). He made me realise that I needed a team of committed Volunteer Regional Leaders.

Our 12 regional leaders are now the PILLARS of the RTR community. They onboard new leaders, they are responsible for comms to current leaders, they have been the "go to" for local Covid restrictions and they have sought out both promotion and funding opportunities in their local areas

Most importantly though, they provided me with something I'd not yet experienced with RTR before... a supportive TEAM. Not just people to run with, but people to work alongside, who care just as much about the direction and mission of RTR as I do. They care enough to give up so much of their time to liaise with leaders both existing and new and go out of their way to support me with the big ideas in RTR.

One of the biggest challenges that I have with RTR is that it can feel very very lonely indeed and I don't think words will ever be able to express how much I have come to rely on these Regionals in both a professional and emotional sense.

I have monthly Zooms with the RTR Regional Leaders now, and they act as mini board meetings! We come together 1-1 on a frequent basis and we work together to maximise the opportunities available to RTR in each region.

May 2021

After multiple postponements and a different season altogether, we and UltraX hosted the very first "proper" running event for Run Talk Run. We raised money for NHS Charities Together and we watched on fondly as both the ultra running community and RTR-ers took on 50km of London streets. Their route took them through busy central London roads and along a packed Southbank with weekend dwellers enjoying the rare sunshine. I was so proud of Derrick, our Leader who initiated this amazing event with his brilliant thoughts and ideas.

June 2021

As the weather started to get warmer I was spending more and more of my evenings in the sunshine. One particular Friday evening I headed to my local green square garden, with my head quite frankly REELING from a conversation that had just taken place over Zoom. A formal offer from another organisation to purchase RTR from me.

I knew that I needed support for RTR, and I knew that I was going to have to think outside of the box and be open to what that might look like.

After 2 years of really struggling to maintain RTR and keep my own mental health in check with it, I was quite simply over the moon to have been presented with an option to keep RTR sustainable in the long term that didn't necessarily require my constant input and oversight. Over the following 4-6 weeks, there was legal advice and agreements drawn out and it really looked like I might go ahead with it all.

July 2021

I took a week off as annual leave in the middle of July, and on Friday 16th on the morning of my birthday, I opened up an email which contained the agreement. If I was happy with this version... that could be that. I could sell RTR.

But something didn't sit right. I decided to put the whole thing away and try to enjoy my birthday celebrations (meanwhile my brain was doing cartwheels trying to decipher what the best thing was for RTR).

The following week I got the agreement printed on REAL paper so I could go through it with a finer toothcomb.

Without wanting to divulge too much of the sensitive information, I decided that there was still a LOT I had to give RTR before putting into the care of others. I decided to withdraw from the sale and I took RTR back by the reigns.

This sparked a few weeks of intense anxiety for me. I was having an anxiety attack almost daily.

September 2021

It's not all doom and gloom though. RTR is most certainly the biggest threat to my mental health, and yet it is also the biggest reason for me still being here today. For four whole years, it has been my reason to keep living, to keep providing support for others, to keep putting something good back into the world.

On September 25th we'll be celebrating RTRs 4th Birthday in our spiritual home of The Bridge Gym... the first venue to open their doors to us as a bag drop, heavy chat haven, and warmth at the end of some rainy runs.

I'm super excited to meet runners and leaders from across the UK (not to mention volunteers from POLAND!) and give so many hugs and high fives to mark the significance of all this loving support we give each other.

NOW

It’s a very exciting time for Run Talk Run.

The community is THRIVING.

It’s growing, constantly.

Our Regional Leaders are irreplaceable.

After 18 months of some odd pandemic shit to navigate, we can now celebrate together, run together, support together… and quite simply, that is all I could ever hope for.

Jess at the National Running show 2021 with Danny Bent and Jo Pavey

What’s next for Run Talk Run?

You’ll just have to wait and see.

note: to support us in our mission, we are looking for someone who can help us with bid writing and applying for grants. We are also looking for someone who might want to act in the role as RTRs bookkeeper. (both voluntary positions). If this is you, please reach out.

Run Talk Run - The Story Up Until Now (3rd Edition)

One year into the Run Talk Run (RTR) journey I shared a blog… ‘The Story Up Until Now'. It answered many a-question on how RTR came to be.

Today, RTR is celebrating it’s THIRD BIRTHDAY! This little toddler is growing. And so, I will write the third edition of our story so far. I will include (without any alteration) the very same writing that I entered into the blog post on that first year, and update you on everything that has happened since that has taken us from where we were, to where we are now.

To give some context of our journey so far:

• October 2017 - 1 run

• October 2018 - 3 runs

• October 2019 - 65 runs

• October 2020 - 103 runs

It is accurate to describe our runs as a collective experience. No run leader is more important than an attendee. It's like one of those huge swarms of birds that you see flying together at the seaside. There would be no telling them all apart... they just fly, together. And boy, are we flying all over the WORLD these days.

Happy reading.

Summer of 2017

I, Jess Robson, was in a particularly bad place in my noggin. Things had started to spiral from about April after some big life changes and fact of the matter was that I just wasn’t coping.

I gave therapy a whirl, and whilst my lovely therapist with a gorgeous soul was likely very good at his job, the relationship just didn’t “click” and I didn’t feel able to share fully what was going on.

I spent a fair bit of time going home during this weird, low phase. My mums a keen runner (LOL #understatement) and she quite rightly dragged me out on a Sunday morning whenever I spent the weekend at home. It dawned on me that I was opening up far more during these long runs than I ever did sat face to face with my therapist.

my inspiration

October 2017

I was finally running more and more again. My mums encouragement and inspiring messages were putting me back on a path to recovery through the sheer pounding of pavements. I realised (not for the first time) that this was MY SPACE. This was where I felt good about life, and I felt like the sharp edge of depression was beginning to soften.

I was part of an online fitness community at this point who shared a group whatsapp, and I suggested to the group that us Londoners made a habit of meeting to run and chat. I explained (in not TOO many words) the position I was coming from – #MentalHealthWarrior – and there was just one girl (out of hundreds) who actually agreed this was indeed a lovely idea.

We met once, we ran once, we spoke briefly about anxiety and then that was that – she didn’t come along again.

By this point I’d decided that to get a solid group of people together to run with consistently, weekly, I was going to HAVE to reach beyond my own friendship groups and contacts. I asked Instagram to put the idea of “Run Talk Run” out to their friends, and I gained a running buddy that way, who I am now lucky enough to consider a wonderful wonderful friend.

November & December 2017

Still very much in the throes of depression, I took it upon myself to position myself in the same spot every week outside Monument Station. I was lacking esteem, unsure of what the fuck I was really doing there. I was reaching out to everyone I bloody well could but the idea just simply wasn’t gaining any traction (or so it seemed).

Instagram followers were increasing, I was speaking to plenty of people about the wonderful benefits of running for our mental health. Everyone seemed to agree that this was just a brilliant idea so why was no one ever bloody showing up?!

I doubted VERY much whether I could see this through.

It was during these two months that I met the wonderful Tom Haswell, who I had the pleasure of meeting and running with a few times just before the Christmas break. It was through the (brutally honest) truths shared between us on those runs and the encouragement that he gave that allowed me just enough motivation to just keep trying.

depressed & determined in equal measure

January 2018

The Christmas break made me really sit down and consider whether pursuing Run Talk Run was potentially making me more ill. I was lacking in esteem to such a huge extent and still not really out of the mental funk I had found myself in.

Putting myself and my ideas “out there” and seeing them not really come to any fruition was really fucking tough.

I genuinely feel that if it were not for the support of my mum, and the mental health community on Instagram (big up Sanctus and their very inspiring ways!), I would have most definitely thrown in the bucket.

But (obvs) I carried on and decided to just go flippin’ HAM on this thing. I began contacting every mental health charity and organisation I could think of and told them what I was up to, asked if there was any support for these projects, asked for their advice. I got plenty of “advice” from all angles, but it was Rethink Mental Illness that really stepped up to the mark.

I met with Sam from Rethink who is a support group coordinator, and to be honest, even with the “mental health focus” I had never even considered RTR to be a support group. But it was the perfect way to look at it. Needless to say, the support and guidance from Rethink were a BLESSING and I was commended on my ability to show up week on week without anyone turning up. I was assured that this is what EVERY support group experiences when they first start out and if I could make it through “that phase” I could make it work, period.

Amy, Tom and I

February & March 2018

Rethink didn’t solve ALL my problems, mind you. I was still very much struggling to attract any consistent runners. I had myself and a team of 2 (Bryony and Tom I flipping love you!) and occasionally we’d be joined by a passer-through.

It was still REALLY fucking cold during these months and waiting outside the Runners Need shop at Monument not having a clue whether anyone would show up was (I won’t lie) feeling a bit silly almost. The biggest benefit I was seeing from Run Talk Run were these two close friendships that I was forming, and the fact that I was running consistently every Thursday. Because even when no one showed up I would get the fuck on with the run anyway regardless.  

Numbers are growing and smiles are getting bigger!

April 2018

Spring time saw the runners slowly begin to increase. Where I might have just 1 or 2 people show up previously, Run Talk Run was beginning to look more like a team of 4-8 people.

It goes without saying that seeing this many people run together, chatting about their shit and really “connecting” made every cold night running alone worthwhile.

I’d been doing a HELL of a lot of work on my mental health at this point, and it was a combination of self-improvements and Run Talk Run-improvements that were really just pulling me further and further away from the black dog. The further I was pulled from the black dog, the more I felt able to really give my all to my runners.

RTR band shot

June 2018

A short while before The Bridge Gym had confirmed their willingness to be the Run Talk Run home, I had been in contact with The Gym Group to see about hosting it from my local gym to work. The prospect seemed SO out of reach, and SO unlikely that I didn’t even give the request to The Gym a second thought.

I’d found RTR a home now, so I almost just had nothing to lose by really pushing hard on the “big-boy-chain-gym” and so I decided to get back in touch with the gym manager. The answer, to my complete and utter surprise was a YES – I could host RTR from The Gym. Surprised was an understatement (yep, I cried again).

So now we have two weekly meets – one from The Gym Waterloo (SE1 8UX) on Tuesdays and one from The Bridge Gym (SE1 0NQ) on Thursdays.

First run from The Gym Waterloo!

July 2018

Run Talk Run celebrated our first birthday with a 5km jog around Hyde Park followed by a picnic! We were fortunate enough to have a talk being delivered by the the wonderful Dan Furlong and it all went without a hitch!

August-October 2018

At the very beginning of August 2018 we were fortunate enough to share the RTR mission live on BBC news, which was a great opportunity to tell the world what we've been up to.

Run Talk Run Peterborough arrived at the end of the 2018 summer, and this was a MASSIVE turning point. When Jen started her RTR in a town outside of London, what she didn't realise she would be doing is actually inspiring runners up and down the country to follow suit.

I genuinely attribute a lot of the RTR growth to Jen Oliver purely because she showed runners what we could achieve, together, virtually. We don't need to be in London to be associated with one another. We can offer this support for our local community wherever we happen to find ourselves residing.

From this point onwards, I was probably getting an enquiry to set up a new Run Talk Run every month or so, with a big key turning point being receiving our first request for a RTR outside of the UK... Run Talk Run North California!

Peterborough runners

November - December 2018

The creation of groups outside of England, threw into question as to whether Run Talk Run could continue to be supported by Rethink Mental Illness. We decided to go it alone.

In November 2018, I left my 9-5 job to dedicate more of my time to the work we're doing, and Run Talk Run became a CIC.

a very proud moment

Our runs were getting chillier and chillier but the support just grew and grew and even the more "new" Run Talk Runs emerging were getting better attendance.

We spent our first "Christmas Party" at the Duke of Sussex.

our first Christmas celebrations together!

January - June 2019

January saw the start of multiple Run Talk Runs making their debut runs up and down the country. Who can remember RTR Tooting when it was anything less than 10 runners?! Madness! 

In Spring 2019 I threw myself wholeheartedly into keeping up with the volume of enquiries of people wanting to set up Run Talk Runs. This was a welcome distraction from my own emotional turmoil and some MEGA life changes. We now had around 15 runs, and it took me a while to figure out processes and systems of looking after so many run leaders at once.

In May we hosted our very first RTR Track session, continuing to make running less intimidating as a byproduct of what we do.

Tooting Run Talk Run

July 2019

July was an incredibly busy month for Run Talk Run. We launched about 15 new runs across London with the support of the MoreYoga studios, with most of these runs now being hosted by several Run Talk Run leaders.

This was the month where we also introduced our very first "merch". The wonderful team at Gato helped us create what is now our iconic black and white RTR tee. You can buy yourself a T Shirt or Vest in our online shop.

We also had the most fantastic opportunity to host a run at Love Trails this year, which was an incredible way to bring the RTR Love to running communities who might not have otherwise heard of the supportive environment we've been creating!

Sharing our movement with the people at Love Trails

August 2019

Our second birthday party rolled around far quicker than I ever could have expected. We celebrated proudly, bringing our runners and run leaders from around the UK to Pub on the Park in London Fields, Hackney. We completed 1km loops around the perimeter of the park, we listened to some AWESOME speakers, including Jane Vongvorachoti and Emily of Twice the Health and heard a few of our run leaders share their experience. The day was rounded off with some beautiful music from one of our Reading runners.

August also saw our very first Parkrun Takeover. Over 40 Run Talk Runners showed up to provide marshals and volunteers to ensure the Tooting parkrun went without a hitch, with cakes baked by runners in the community and a real sense of what we're all about was palpable.

tooting takeover

our 2nd birthday party

October - December 2019

These were some turbulent months for me personally. I made the decision to leave London and move back home to Sussex. This meant leaving the original RTR in Southwark (which I still attend as much as I can!) and setting up a new RTR in Eastbourne.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom though! In November 2019 I travelled to California for 3 weeks which meant I got to meet and run with the RTR North California community who were celebrating one year of Run Talk Running!

January 2020

This year (believe it or not) was actually off to a CRACKING start before Covid hit us.

RTR represented at the National Running Show and I spoke on the Inspiration Stage about my journey and the RTR journey up until now, supported by Leaders in the audience who clapped and provided Diet Coke!

In January myself and Izzy (a good friend who I’ve only met because of RTR!) had a trip to NYC where we hosted a run for the Lululemon store at Flat Iron.

February - July 2020

All flew by in a Covid blur. Despite not being able to run together physically, I was blown away by the way the RTR Leaders went out of their way to host a safe space online for their runners.

Read Talk Read was born, Run Tag Run (over Whatsapp) was born, the RTR Podcast was born, RTR Zooms were born.

We were apart, but still very much connected.

And not only this… a complete RECORD of people were reaching out to me about starting a RTR for when lockdown was lifted. I couldn’t wrap my head around how engaged everyone still was in the community that we’d been building despite the main element of what holds us together being taken away.

July - August 2020

It had been a loooong time coming, but finally this summer we ditched the logo that had been created in a Word Document in less than 5 minutes and rebranded ourselves with an iconic new logo that spread across our social feeds like wildfire. A facelift like no other!

Alongside the rebrand, we started launching runs in new locations from Croydon to Bangor to Hastings to Totnes, taking our current number of RTRs to 103!

October 2020

Instead of letting Covid slow our beautiful storm, the pace quickens for the growth of this community. On the second week of October we launched our VERY FIRST proper Run Talk Run “Organised Run” in collaboration with UltraX. This race that will be held in January 2021 will raise £20 with every ticket entry which will be donated to the NHS Charities Together fund. We are incredibly excited to see how much impact this could make. The route is an ultra distance through the streets of the RTR hometown - London - taking in iconic landmarks and most importantly, the original Southwark RTR Route too.

NOW

I write this with a bittersweet feeling. I so wish I could be celebrating the Run Talk Run birthday with Leaders and Attendees as we have done the past 2 years. I’m an emotional girl, and stolen moments like this really do cut to the core. I’ll happily admit that I’ve had a good cry about this.

But irrespective of our inability to come together to celebrate this community, on our third birthday, I would like to think that every Run Talk Run leader can give themselves the most incredible huge pat on the back and virtual high five to each other for the support they are putting out into the world. Be that virtually, or in physical presence with their runners.

What’s next for Run Talk Run?

We’re working on seeking sponsorship for RTR as we speak, which we hope will improve our prospects of sustainability and improving the service tenfold. We’ve increased the number of volunteers who are offering their time to help us reach more run attendees who could really benefit from the service, and we’re only increasing the number of RTRs by the day. We have the Rainbow Run to look forward to in January, and maybe this will act as a somewhat delayed Third Birthday celebration!

Mental Health Swims - My First Hosted Open Water Swim

About a fortnight ago, the Mental Health Swims (MHS) account followed me on Instagram, and within moments I was shooting the Founder, Rachel, a DM.

I couldn’t believe that I was seeing a model that was a mirror refection of Run Talk Run (RTR) but for open water swimming. The premise and goal is the same - facilitate a safe space where people can turn up entirely as themselves, whether they are happy, sad, anxious or meh. Normalising mental health conversation at the forefront, with an activity as a secondary bonus feature. RTR for running, MHS for swimming.

Unlike RTRs weekly regularity, MHS meet to swim just once a month which lowered the barrier to participation and hosting, since I wasn’t entirely sure that I could commit to a weekly swim. Fast forward about a week or so, and Rachel and I are chatting endlessly over the phone about our dreams and plans for both RTR and MHS.

I answered some of her questions about what it takes to scale such a beastly support community. We talked about the boring Health & Safety stuff, the logistical sign-up process stuff, and then we bonded over the emotional labour that we pour into these communities and the need for boundaries. If I wanted Rachel to come away with anything, it was to know that the boundaries she puts in place now will be the very lines with which she’ll save herself when MHS undoubtedly scales into something even more magnificent than what it is today.

So how was that first swim?

SCARY.

I have to admit that over the last 3 years I’ve developed a pretty solid routine around my RTRs that make them easier to navigate as a leader. What I mean by this, is that my confidence has grown.

Hosting this MHS for the first time, however, had me swimming in discomfort in the days prior… what would I say? What if a really competent swimmer turned up and I couldn’t facilitate their needs? What if my social anxiety flared up and I lost all communication skills in an instant? What if they could smell the sadness on me, and it was all too much?

It was like I’d been thrown back 3 years and I felt a wave of empathy for all the new RTR Leaders who show up to their runs in the first few weeks so deeply unsure of their right to be a “running leader”.

In the end, it was just my mum and boyfriend who came along for the dip and so any social pressure was alleviated immediately. I also massively messed up with tide times and so I felt incredible gratitude for the fact no strangers had seen this cock up!

So between Jake, my mum and I, we splashed in the shallow rock pools and slipped around on the seaweed and laughed at each other as we fell into deeper parts of the sea unexpectedly. We didn’t talk mental health…. but I could bring my most “Jess self” there and that was special.

Instead of hosting these monthly I think I’m going to hold them weekly. I want to build my confidence with open water swimming, and I want to build my confidence in facilitating a support group outside the realms of RTR too.

The world deserves mental health support that is accessible, and less intimidating than sitting in a circle raising our hands to share what little parts of sadness we can bare to expose. It’s up to us, your Average Joe’s, to make sure we are creating spaces where talking about your mental health is just so normal.

I think this is what I care about more than anything in the world… the running and the swimming… they’re just a lovely little bonus.

Join me next Sunday @ Holywell Toilets. Time to be confirmed - I’ll post it to my Instagram @jessicamaryrobson

Can I support someone else with their struggle if I’m in a bad place myself?

One of the most frequently asked questions I have from Run Talk Run leaders -

“Can I help someone else if I am in a bad place myself?”

Of course the answer to this is “it depends”. I always advise Run Talk Run leaders that they need to make sure they are looking after themselves first as a priority. If that means they need to cancel a RTR to do that, then it’s important that they honor their own brains and mental health enough to do so.

In many cases, however, supporting other people can be flipping incredible when we’re in a shit place ourselves for multiple reasons:

-       doing something good for others can make us feel better. Selfish? Yep, but it’s a win win all round

-       it can help us break out of our own spiral of negative thoughts if we are forced to listen to someone else for a little while

-       support goes both ways – you may feel that through connecting with someone who is experiencing a tough time makes you feel equally supported in return

-       perspective – a horrible one to point out, but quite frequently when listening to someone share their struggle with me, I am reminded of how very very resilient us humans are and that in itself gives me the strength to pull through my own shit

So yes, look after yourself as a PRIORITY, but don’t be concerned that your own struggles render you useless to others. They often make you more empathetic, and supporting someone else could help you support yourself simultaneously.

When Bulimia made me a Runner

Before I begin. I need to express that this blog post could be somewhat triggering for anyone living with an eating disorder. I want to make it very clear that this is merely just my personal experience with bulimia and running, and that running may not be the answer for you in recovering from your eating disorder. Please do seek advice from your GP before using exercise as a means of recovering.

Running was not something I had set out to do in search of “better health”.

Running was not something I had set out to do in search of “clearing my mind”.

Running was not something I should have even been contemplating, given how very ill I was when starting.

You see, when I moved to Oxford, I was still very bulimic. I was starving and bingeing on some fucking whirlwind of a negative “coping strategy” which did not look like coping at all. Not from the inside, and probably not from the outside, either.

When I moved to Oxford to study I was shy. So painfully shy. Socially fucking anxious if I’m being honest with you. I did all that I bloody well could to integrate myself within the realms of drinking and ‘Monday Night Bridge’ and painting a picture of a well put together 19 year old who knew exactly what she was doing. I don’t think I was fooling anyone on the course, and I definitely wasn’t fooling myself. 

I developed two very close friendships within my houseshare which helped me find a sense of “home” within Oxford, but those two girls had family that lived so closeby to the city that they would leave every weekend… which inevitably left me to my own devices. Instead of indulging in the culture of such a beautiful place, I found myself indulging in rumination… and with that, indulging in vast, large quantities of food with it. A numbing, if you will, of the intensity of emotion that I felt. I speak more about my experience of bulimia in another blog post.

By this point, I had been bulimic for about 5 years.

I was used to this cycle. I would binge, purge, promise myself I’d do better on Monday (or when the housemates would return), and starve my way through to the weekend again. I couldn’t sustain it, and it was on one of these weekends that my bulimic brain came up with another cunning way to rid myself of the calories being consumed on these binges.

Running.

I didn’t head out with a plan. I honestly didn’t even know what running would feel like. It wasn’t something I had ever really engaged in at school… the sheer thought of going out and doing that one thing terrified me.

I remember considering all the ways my body was going to jiggle and shake and feeling so repulsed by that thought that it drove me to want to run even more.

But then I did it.

And it hurt, and it felt like shit.

Every step of the way, it felt like shit.

I walked, and it felt like shit.

I stopped for water, and it felt like shit.

I tried to break into a run again, and alas, it still felt like shit.

The whole experience totally sucked. Until I got in, and had a shower… and for the first time in a very very very long time I felt something that was not shit.

I felt something entirely new – pride.

This was not a feeling I was familiar with. I genuinely remember standing in that god-awful-in-need-of-a-deep-clean-shower, and feeling pride wash over me. I called my mum and told her I’d been for a run. It sounded like she was proud too.

Pride.

That pride, I carried everywhere with me. That positive feeling that was SO unfamiliar to me, I used as fuel to give the running thing a go again.

I did the same route. A short little way down Cowley Road, down the side street onto a much busier road (that takes you out of Oxford) and into South Park where it was boggy as fuck at the bottom and then had a pretty sizeable climb up to the playground. Usually getting a little overwhelmed by bumping into other humans as I approached said playground so cutting across to the other side of the park and then sometimes crossing the road into the cutest little wooded area.

As time moved on, I’d push beyond the realms of this short circuit that I created for myself. And that pride thing? It just grew stronger and stronger.

And with that pride came a whole bunch of other things that I had never thought would be the very things that would pull me away from the bulimic bitch that resided in my head

Alongside the pride I also found myself…

·      An appetite! Like, genuine hunger. I’d been fucking with my ‘satiation’ signals for so long that I forgot what it was like to have a signal from my stomach to my brain that wasn’t being driven by pure upset or a need for numbing

·      A sense of identity – I could now see myself beyond my eating disorder. I was more than just bulimic/shy Jess now. I was also “Runner Jess”

·      Something to bloody well talk about in social situations – this helped my social anxiety SO much. Whenever things got hairy meeting new people, I found that I could at least talk about running (and how amazing it is) for ages without boring myself

·      This one is going to sound corny as fuck, but I found myself a means of self-exploration that I’d never known before. A means of traveling within myself – introspective work to a whole other level. A time to process the utter whirlwind of my teenage years and spend some time getting to really know myself

I can’t say that all of the above stopped me throwing up my food right away. It was, of course, a long long long process.

My best friend Bulimia introduced me to Running, but it was Running that helped me see that Bulimia had never been my friend at all.

End note. I want to remind anyone reading this (again!) that this is merely just my personal experience with bulimia and running, and that running may not be the answer for you in recovering from your eating disorder. Please do seek advice from your GP before using exercise as a means of recovering. If you do want a space to talk about using running as a tool to aid recovery from bulimia I am always happy to chat over email. Jessica@runtalkrun.com - please do reach out for help or seek further support from placed like BEAT if you’re struggling.