Jessica Robson 9/13/21 Jessica Robson 9/13/21

Run Talk Run - The Story Up Until Now (4th edition)

From a “depressed Jess” needing some support, to hosting 170 globally for people to seek peer-support. This is the Run Talk Run journey so far.

With another October fast approaching, and celebration prep well underway for our 4th Birthday, I present to you here the traditional Run Talk Run yearly update.

In this reflective piece of Jess ramblings, you will find a breakdown of our journey so far. Every year as summer turns to autumn, I have indulged myself in some time to look back at where we've been over the last year. The lives we've touched, the runs we've held, the obstacles presented (and mostly, overcome).

I stubbornly refuse to edit the tone of voice I used 3 years ago to reflect on the journey, and so the only new piece of text in this article takes us from October 2020 to this present day.

To give some context of our journey so far:

October 2017 - 1 group
October 2018 - 3 groups
October 2019 - 65 groups
October 2020 - 103 groups
October 2021 - 170 groups

This is a fun and emotional activity for me and I hope you enjoy it too. It makes me ever so excited for the year ahead and is a reminder of just how much can happen in just one year.

Summer of 2017

I, Jess Robson, was in a particularly bad place in my noggin. Things had started to spiral from about April after some big life changes and fact of the matter was that I just wasn’t coping.

I gave therapy a whirl, and whilst my lovely therapist with a gorgeous soul was likely very good at his job, the relationship just didn’t “click” and I didn’t feel able to share fully what was going on.

I spent a fair bit of time going home during this weird, low phase. My mums a keen runner (LOL #understatement) and she quite rightly dragged me out on a Sunday morning whenever I spent the weekend at home. It dawned on me that I was opening up far more during these long runs than I ever did sat face to face with my therapist.

October 2017

I was finally running more and more again. My mums encouragement and inspiring messages were putting me back on a path to recovery through the sheer pounding of pavements. I realised (not for the first time) that this was MY SPACE. This was where I felt good about life, and I felt like the sharp edge of depression was beginning to soften.

I was part of an online fitness community at this point who shared a group whatsapp, and I suggested to the group that us Londoners made a habit of meeting to run and chat. I explained (in not TOO many words) the position I was coming from – #MentalHealthWarrior – and there was just one girl (out of hundreds) who actually agreed this was indeed a lovely idea.

We met once, we ran once, we spoke briefly about anxiety and then that was that – she didn’t come along again.

By this point I’d decided that to get a solid group of people together to run with consistently, weekly, I was going to HAVE to reach beyond my own friendship groups and contacts. I asked Instagram to put the idea of “Run Talk Run” out to their friends, and I gained a running buddy that way, who I am now lucky enough to consider a wonderful wonderful friend.

November & December 2017

Still very much in the throes of depression, I took it upon myself to position myself in the same spot every week outside Monument Station. I was lacking esteem, unsure of what the fuck I was really doing there. I was reaching out to everyone I bloody well could but the idea just simply wasn’t gaining any traction (or so it seemed).

Instagram followers were increasing, I was speaking to plenty of people about the wonderful benefits of running for our mental health. Everyone seemed to agree that this was just a brilliant idea so why was no one ever bloody showing up?!

I doubted VERY much whether I could see this through.

It was during these two months that I met the wonderful Tom Haswell, who I had the pleasure of meeting and running with a few times just before the Christmas break. It was through the (brutally honest) truths shared between us on those runs and the encouragement that he gave that allowed me just enough motivation to just keep trying.

January 2018

The Christmas break made me really sit down and consider whether pursuing Run Talk Run was potentially making me more ill. I was lacking in esteem to such a huge extent and still not really out of the mental funk I had found myself in.

Putting myself and my ideas “out there” and seeing them not really come to any fruition was really fucking tough.

I genuinely feel that if it were not for the support of my mum, and the mental health community on Instagram (big up Sanctus and their very inspiring ways!), I would have most definitely thrown in the bucket.

But (obvs) I carried on and decided to just go flippin’ HAM on this thing. I began contacting every mental health charity and organisation I could think of and told them what I was up to, asked if there was any support for these projects, asked for their advice. I got plenty of “advice” from all angles, but it was Rethink Mental Illness that really stepped up to the mark.

I met with Sam from Rethink who is a support group coordinator, and to be honest, even with the “mental health focus” I had never even considered RTR to be a support group. But it was the perfect way to look at it. Needless to say, the support and guidance from Rethink were a BLESSING and I was commended on my ability to show up week on week without anyone turning up. I was assured that this is what EVERY support group experiences when they first start out and if I could make it through “that phase” I could make it work, period.

February & March 2018

Rethink didn’t solve ALL my problems, mind you. I was still very much struggling to attract any consistent runners. I had myself and a team of 2 (Bryony and Tom I flipping love you!) and occasionally we’d be joined by a passer-through.

It was still REALLY fucking cold during these months and waiting outside the Runners Need shop at Monument not having a clue whether anyone would show up was (I won’t lie) feeling a bit silly almost. The biggest benefit I was seeing from Run Talk Run were these two close friendships that I was forming, and the fact that I was running consistently every Thursday. Because even when no one showed up I would get the fuck on with the run anyway regardless.

Numbers are growing and smiles are getting bigger!

April 2018

Spring time saw the runners slowly begin to increase. Where I might have just 1 or 2 people show up previously, Run Talk Run was beginning to look more like a team of 4-8 people.

It goes without saying that seeing this many people run together, chatting about their shit and really “connecting” made every cold night running alone worthwhile.

I’d been doing a HELL of a lot of work on my mental health at this point, and it was a combination of self-improvements and Run Talk Run-improvements that were really just pulling me further and further away from the black dog. The further I was pulled from the black dog, the more I felt able to really give my all to my runners.

June 2018

A short while before The Bridge Gym had confirmed their willingness to be the Run Talk Run home, I had been in contact with The Gym Group to see about hosting it from my local gym to work. The prospect seemed SO out of reach, and SO unlikely that I didn’t even give the request to The Gym a second thought.

I’d found RTR a home now, so I almost just had nothing to lose by really pushing hard on the “big-boy-chain-gym” and so I decided to get back in touch with the gym manager. The answer, to my complete and utter surprise was a YES – I could host RTR from The Gym. Surprised was an understatement (yep, I cried again).

So now we have two weekly meets – one from The Gym Waterloo (SE1 8UX) on Tuesdays and one from The Bridge Gym (SE1 0NQ) on Thursdays.

July 2018

Run Talk Run celebrated our first birthday with a 5km jog around Hyde Park followed by a picnic! We were fortunate enough to have a talk being delivered by the the wonderful Dan Furlong and it all went without a hitch!

August-October 2018

At the very beginning of August 2018 we were fortunate enough to share the RTR mission live on BBC news, which was a great opportunity to tell the world what we've been up to.

Run Talk Run Peterborough arrived at the end of the 2018 summer, and this was a MASSIVE turning point. When Jen started her RTR in a town outside of London, what she didn't realise she would be doing is actually inspiring runners up and down the country to follow suit.

I genuinely attribute a lot of the RTR growth to Jen Oliver purely because she showed runners what we could achieve, together, virtually. We don't need to be in London to be associated with one another. We can offer this support for our local community wherever we happen to find ourselves residing.

From this point onwards, I was probably getting an enquiry to set up a new Run Talk Run every month or so, with a big key turning point being receiving our first request for a RTR outside of the UK... Run Talk Run North California!

November - December 2018

The creation of groups outside of England, threw into question as to whether Run Talk Run could continue to be supported by Rethink Mental Illness. We decided to go it alone.

In November 2018, I left my 9-5 job to dedicate more of my time to the work we're doing, and Run Talk Run became a CIC.

Our runs were getting chillier and chillier but the support just grew and grew and even the more "new" Run Talk Runs emerging were getting better attendance.

We spent our first "Christmas Party" at the Duke of Sussex.

our first Christmas celebrations together!

January - June 2019

January saw the start of multiple Run Talk Runs making their debut runs up and down the country. Who can remember RTR Tooting when it was anything less than 10 runners?! Madness!

In Spring 2019 I threw myself wholeheartedly into keeping up with the volume of enquiries of people wanting to set up Run Talk Runs. This was a welcome distraction from my own emotional turmoil and some MEGA life changes. We now had around 15 runs, and it took me a while to figure out processes and systems of looking after so many run leaders at once.

In May we hosted our very first RTR Track session, continuing to make running less intimidating as a byproduct of what we do.

July 2019

July was an incredibly busy month for Run Talk Run. We launched about 15 new runs across London with the support of the MoreYoga studios, with most of these runs now being hosted by several Run Talk Run leaders.

This was the month where we also introduced our very first "merch". The wonderful team at Gato helped us create what is now our iconic black and white RTR tee. You can buy yourself a T Shirt or Vest in our online shop.

We also had the most fantastic opportunity to host a run at Love Trails this year, which was an incredible way to bring the RTR Love to running communities who might not have otherwise heard of the supportive environment we've been creating!

Sharing our movement with the people at Love Trails

August 2019

Our second birthday party rolled around far quicker than I ever could have expected. We celebrated proudly, bringing our runners and run leaders from around the UK to Pub on the Park in London Fields, Hackney. We completed 1km loops around the perimeter of the park, we listened to some AWESOME speakers, including Jane Vongvorachoti and Emily of Twice the Health and heard a few of our run leaders share their experience. The day was rounded off with some beautiful music from one of our Reading runners.

August also saw our very first Parkrun Takeover. Over 40 Run Talk Runners showed up to provide marshals and volunteers to ensure the Tooting parkrun went without a hitch, with cakes baked by runners in the community and a real sense of what we're all about was palpable.

October - December 2019

These were some turbulent months for me personally. I made the decision to leave London and move back home to Sussex. This meant leaving the original RTR in Southwark (which I still attend as much as I can!) and setting up a new RTR in Eastbourne.

It wasn’t all doom and gloom though! In November 2019 I travelled to California for 3 weeks which meant I got to meet and run with the RTR North California community who were celebrating one year of Run Talk Running!

January 2020

This year (believe it or not) was actually off to a CRACKING start before Covid hit us.

RTR represented at the National Running Show and I spoke on the Inspiration Stage about my journey and the RTR journey up until now, supported by Leaders in the audience who clapped and provided Diet Coke!

In January myself and Izzy (a good friend who I’ve only met because of RTR!) had a trip to NYC where we hosted a run for the Lululemon store at Flat Iron.

February - July 2020

All flew by in a Covid blur. Despite not being able to run together physically, I was blown away by the way the RTR Leaders went out of their way to host a safe space online for their runners.

Read Talk Read was born, Run Tag Run (over Whatsapp) was born, the RTR Podcast was born, RTR Zooms were born.

We were apart, but still very much connected.

And not only this… a complete RECORD of people were reaching out to me about starting a RTR for when lockdown was lifted. I couldn’t wrap my head around how engaged everyone still was in the community that we’d been building despite the main element of what holds us together being taken away.

July - August 2020

It had been a loooong time coming, but finally this summer we ditched the logo that had been created in a Word Document in less than 5 minutes and rebranded ourselves with an iconic new logo that spread across our social feeds like wildfire. A facelift like no other!

Alongside the rebrand, we started launching runs in new locations from Croydon to Bangor to Hastings to Totnes, taking our current number of RTRs to 103!

October 2020

Instead of letting Covid slow our beautiful storm, the pace quickens for the growth of this community. On the second week of October we launched our VERY FIRST proper Run Talk Run “Organised Run” in collaboration with UltraX. This race that will be held in January 2021 will raise £20 with every ticket entry which will be donated to the NHS Charities Together fund. We are incredibly excited to see how much impact this could make. The route is an ultra distance through the streets of the RTR hometown - London - taking in iconic landmarks and most importantly, the original Southwark RTR Route too.

November 2020

It had long since been a little niggle in the back of my brain that Run Talk Run deserved a walking counterpart. Not everyone can run, and indeed, not everyone wants to run. With this in mind it felt logical to open up a slightly gentler version of our service... Walk Talk Walk. It was flipping brilliant to see the response to this and to have several of our RTR Leaders immediately put their hands up to lead a WTW in addition to their weekly run. The pandemic dictated that we were to stay indoors (in the UK) pretty much the moment we announced this launch and so most of our Walks didn't actually begin until Spring 2021.

(early) December 2020

It might not seem significant to you, as a reader, but actually December 2020 was the biggest threat RTR had faced in its entire journey.

I'd made a mistake when filing our taxes, and the result was some VERY angry letters from HMRC which threatened to shut down our entire organisation, meaning RTR would cease to exist.

The amount that we owed was a mere £9.00 and yet the stress those letters gave me was enough to make me have a breakdown. I went a full week without being able to interact with RTR-ers. I felt like a failure on so many levels and the desire to hit "delete" on the organisation before HMRC had a chance to was strong.

Of course, I didn't. Like most "problems", it was actually solvable... but the mental state it put me into for that week of back and forth-ing with letters and accountants is something I never wish to relive.

(late) December 2020

By this point, I'd been working 4 days a week for another organisation for about 5 months and it was becoming increasingly apparent that I just couldn't sustain the management of RTR alone. A very kind and wise man called James Eggleton provided me with some very long phone calls over this period of time which helped me see the wood for the trees (taken this saying from a Bristol Leader Meg!). He made me realise that I needed a team of committed Volunteer Regional Leaders.

Our 12 regional leaders are now the PILLARS of the RTR community. They onboard new leaders, they are responsible for comms to current leaders, they have been the "go to" for local Covid restrictions and they have sought out both promotion and funding opportunities in their local areas

Most importantly though, they provided me with something I'd not yet experienced with RTR before... a supportive TEAM. Not just people to run with, but people to work alongside, who care just as much about the direction and mission of RTR as I do. They care enough to give up so much of their time to liaise with leaders both existing and new and go out of their way to support me with the big ideas in RTR.

One of the biggest challenges that I have with RTR is that it can feel very very lonely indeed and I don't think words will ever be able to express how much I have come to rely on these Regionals in both a professional and emotional sense.

I have monthly Zooms with the RTR Regional Leaders now, and they act as mini board meetings! We come together 1-1 on a frequent basis and we work together to maximise the opportunities available to RTR in each region.

May 2021

After multiple postponements and a different season altogether, we and UltraX hosted the very first "proper" running event for Run Talk Run. We raised money for NHS Charities Together and we watched on fondly as both the ultra running community and RTR-ers took on 50km of London streets. Their route took them through busy central London roads and along a packed Southbank with weekend dwellers enjoying the rare sunshine. I was so proud of Derrick, our Leader who initiated this amazing event with his brilliant thoughts and ideas.

June 2021

As the weather started to get warmer I was spending more and more of my evenings in the sunshine. One particular Friday evening I headed to my local green square garden, with my head quite frankly REELING from a conversation that had just taken place over Zoom. A formal offer from another organisation to purchase RTR from me.

I knew that I needed support for RTR, and I knew that I was going to have to think outside of the box and be open to what that might look like.

After 2 years of really struggling to maintain RTR and keep my own mental health in check with it, I was quite simply over the moon to have been presented with an option to keep RTR sustainable in the long term that didn't necessarily require my constant input and oversight. Over the following 4-6 weeks, there was legal advice and agreements drawn out and it really looked like I might go ahead with it all.

July 2021

I took a week off as annual leave in the middle of July, and on Friday 16th on the morning of my birthday, I opened up an email which contained the agreement. If I was happy with this version... that could be that. I could sell RTR.

But something didn't sit right. I decided to put the whole thing away and try to enjoy my birthday celebrations (meanwhile my brain was doing cartwheels trying to decipher what the best thing was for RTR).

The following week I got the agreement printed on REAL paper so I could go through it with a finer toothcomb.

Without wanting to divulge too much of the sensitive information, I decided that there was still a LOT I had to give RTR before putting into the care of others. I decided to withdraw from the sale and I took RTR back by the reigns.

This sparked a few weeks of intense anxiety for me. I was having an anxiety attack almost daily.

September 2021

It's not all doom and gloom though. RTR is most certainly the biggest threat to my mental health, and yet it is also the biggest reason for me still being here today. For four whole years, it has been my reason to keep living, to keep providing support for others, to keep putting something good back into the world.

On September 25th we'll be celebrating RTRs 4th Birthday in our spiritual home of The Bridge Gym... the first venue to open their doors to us as a bag drop, heavy chat haven, and warmth at the end of some rainy runs.

I'm super excited to meet runners and leaders from across the UK (not to mention volunteers from POLAND!) and give so many hugs and high fives to mark the significance of all this loving support we give each other.

NOW

It’s a very exciting time for Run Talk Run.

The community is THRIVING.

It’s growing, constantly.

Our Regional Leaders are irreplaceable.

After 18 months of some odd pandemic shit to navigate, we can now celebrate together, run together, support together… and quite simply, that is all I could ever hope for.

Jess at the National Running show 2021 with Danny Bent and Jo Pavey

What’s next for Run Talk Run?

You’ll just have to wait and see.

note: to support us in our mission, we are looking for someone who can help us with bid writing and applying for grants. We are also looking for someone who might want to act in the role as RTRs bookkeeper. (both voluntary positions). If this is you, please reach out.

Jessica Robson 2/8/21 Jessica Robson 2/8/21

10 Things I Wish I Knew About Running Before I Started

Absolutely no one “feels” like a runner, before they start running. Somehow we all fall under the illusion that everyone else was born with this natural ability to move their legs faster than we can, and that they know something we don’t.

The truth is, any runner will have been in your position once upon a time, starting out in this physical pursuit feeling unsure if they are “looking the part”.

I know that I let my own insecurities and imposter syndrome stop me starting the running game for WAY too long.

Here is what I wish I’d known so I could stop getting out of my own way:

1. It’s meant to feel hard.

When you start running for the first time your lungs will hurt, your legs will hurt, and it’ll likely feel quite crap. This is 100% normal — running isn’t easy! The running influencers and athletes who make it look easy are either lying or not telling you the full picture. It gets easier with time.

2. No one is actually watching you.

You don’t look silly. And even if you do, no one is actually watching you. Everyone you pass in the street is so wrapped up in their own lives, problems, itinerary for the day that they are unlikely to notice you huffing past.

3. Community makes it easier.

I know it seems super scary to surround yourself with other runners right now, but finding yourself a beginners group can be a great way to meet people who are on the same journey as you. Run Talk Run is a great community for this, with groups being hosted throughout the UK and globally. (It’s ok if you have to walk a bit!).

4. You don’t need expensive kit.

Again, social media needs to be held accountable for making the latest running brands’ expensive kit seem like the ONLY way to get better at running. Consistent training and recovery will make you a stronger runner, not the kit.

5. You don’t need to be faster with every run.

In the early days, you’ll likely find yourself improving very quickly, with runs getting faster and faster. It’s perfectly ok to drop back down to a slower pace sometimes and enjoy moving for the sake of moving. In fact, this will be beneficial to your running game long-term too.

6. You don’t need to be training for a big race.

Once you become a runner, people will often ask what you’re training for. You can be training for a whole host of reasons that do not have to include a race or a big scary distance. Train for your mind, your health, or simply to escape the children if you so wish! Races are there if you want to use them as a motivator but they are not essential to being a “runner”.

7. You might have to let go of an old identity.

When you start spending your time running, you might have to stop spending your time doing something else. E.g. Netflix time might become running time. Your identity will shift a little bit with this. Running can be a useful time to process this shift.

8. Not everyone will “get it”.

As per the above, not everyone is going to understand this shift in your hobbies and identity. Remember, if the people around you are struggling to support you in your running, this is a reflection of their own insecurities and concerns. You do not have to justify your new love for running to anyone (unless you want to).

9. You will plateau.

Decide whether this bothers you, and do something about it if so. There are some excellent running coaches who will be able to help you progress if you find yourself frustrated. Jake Taplin is brilliant at helping beginners in their journey.

10. It doesn’t have to become your entire world.

#Runfluencers are definitely a “thing” and they can appear to have their entire life revolving around their running. This is likely to actually be true for a lot of those people, but that doesn’t mean it has to be true for YOU. It’s totally ok if running takes a very small space in your world. You’re still totally justified in talking about your running on social media if this is so.

In summary, it’s important to note that whatever your “why” is for starting to run, it mightn’t be the same as someone else’s “why” and thus your journey is likely to look very different to what we see online. We all know that comparison is the thief of joy, and yet it can be so easy to forget this when we are trying to learn from our running peers.

We seek validation and support from the running community that we are doing things “right” when truly, the only one capable of validating the experience is yourself. Give yourself a pat on the back and get out there!

Jessica Robson 10/17/20 Jessica Robson 10/17/20

Run Talk Run - The Story Up Until Now (3rd Edition)

From a “depressed Jess” needing some support, to hosting 99 runs globally for people to seek peer-support. This is the Run Talk Run journey so far.

One year into the Run Talk Run (RTR) journey I shared a blog… ‘The Story Up Until Now'. It answered many a-question on how RTR came to be.

Today, RTR is celebrating it’s THIRD BIRTHDAY! This little toddler is growing. And so, I will write the third edition of our story so far. I will include (without any alteration) the very same writing that I entered into the blog post on that first year, and update you on everything that has happened since that has taken us from where we were, to where we are now.

To give some context of our journey so far:

October 2017 - 1 run
October 2018 - 3 runs
October 2019 - 65 runs
October 2020 - 103 runs

It is accurate to describe our runs as a collective experience. No run leader is more important than an attendee. It's like one of those huge swarms of birds that you see flying together at the seaside. There would be no telling them all apart... they just fly, together. And boy, are we flying all over the WORLD these days.

Happy reading.

Summer of 2017

I, Jess Robson, was in a particularly bad place in my noggin. Things had started to spiral from about April after some big life changes and fact of the matter was that I just wasn’t coping.

October 2017

We met once, we ran once, we spoke briefly about anxiety and then that was that – she didn’t come along again.

November & December 2017

I doubted VERY much whether I could see this through.

January 2018

Putting myself and my ideas “out there” and seeing them not really come to any fruition was really fucking tough.

February & March 2018

April 2018

Spring time saw the runners slowly begin to increase. Where I might have just 1 or 2 people show up previously, Run Talk Run was beginning to look more like a team of 4-8 people.

It goes without saying that seeing this many people run together, chatting about their shit and really “connecting” made every cold night running alone worthwhile.

June 2018

So now we have two weekly meets – one from The Gym Waterloo (SE1 8UX) on Tuesdays and one from The Bridge Gym (SE1 0NQ) on Thursdays.

July 2018

August-October 2018

At the very beginning of August 2018 we were fortunate enough to share the RTR mission live on BBC news, which was a great opportunity to tell the world what we've been up to.

November - December 2018

The creation of groups outside of England, threw into question as to whether Run Talk Run could continue to be supported by Rethink Mental Illness. We decided to go it alone.

In November 2018, I left my 9-5 job to dedicate more of my time to the work we're doing, and Run Talk Run became a CIC.

Our runs were getting chillier and chillier but the support just grew and grew and even the more "new" Run Talk Runs emerging were getting better attendance.

We spent our first "Christmas Party" at the Duke of Sussex.

January - June 2019

January saw the start of multiple Run Talk Runs making their debut runs up and down the country. Who can remember RTR Tooting when it was anything less than 10 runners?! Madness!

In May we hosted our very first RTR Track session, continuing to make running less intimidating as a byproduct of what we do.

July 2019

August 2019

October - December 2019

January 2020

This year (believe it or not) was actually off to a CRACKING start before Covid hit us.

In January myself and Izzy (a good friend who I’ve only met because of RTR!) had a trip to NYC where we hosted a run for the Lululemon store at Flat Iron.

February - July 2020

All flew by in a Covid blur. Despite not being able to run together physically, I was blown away by the way the RTR Leaders went out of their way to host a safe space online for their runners.

Read Talk Read was born, Run Tag Run (over Whatsapp) was born, the RTR Podcast was born, RTR Zooms were born.

We were apart, but still very much connected.

July - August 2020

Alongside the rebrand, we started launching runs in new locations from Croydon to Bangor to Hastings to Totnes, taking our current number of RTRs to 103!

October 2020

NOW

I write this with a bittersweet feeling. I so wish I could be celebrating the Run Talk Run birthday with Leaders and Attendees as we have done the past 2 years. I’m an emotional girl, and stolen moments like this really do cut to the core. I’ll happily admit that I’ve had a good cry about this.

But irrespective of our inability to come together to celebrate this community, on our third birthday, I would like to think that every Run Talk Run leader can give themselves the most incredible huge pat on the back and virtual high five to each other for the support they are putting out into the world. Be that virtually, or in physical presence with their runners.

What’s next for Run Talk Run?

We’re working on seeking sponsorship for RTR as we speak, which we hope will improve our prospects of sustainability and improving the service tenfold. We’ve increased the number of volunteers who are offering their time to help us reach more run attendees who could really benefit from the service, and we’re only increasing the number of RTRs by the day. We have the Rainbow Run to look forward to in January, and maybe this will act as a somewhat delayed Third Birthday celebration!

Jessica Robson 12/28/19 Jessica Robson 12/28/19

When Bulimia made me a Runner

Bulimia introduced me to running for all the wrong reasons.

Before I begin. I need to express that this blog post could be somewhat triggering for anyone living with an eating disorder. I want to make it very clear that this is merely just my personal experience with bulimia and running, and that running may not be the answer for you in recovering from your eating disorder. Please do seek advice from your GP before using exercise as a means of recovering.

Running was not something I had set out to do in search of “better health”.

Running was not something I had set out to do in search of “clearing my mind”.

Running was not something I should have even been contemplating, given how very ill I was when starting.

You see, when I moved to Oxford, I was still very bulimic. I was starving and bingeing on some fucking whirlwind of a negative “coping strategy” which did not look like coping at all. Not from the inside, and probably not from the outside, either.

When I moved to Oxford to study I was shy. So painfully shy. Socially fucking anxious if I’m being honest with you. I did all that I bloody well could to integrate myself within the realms of drinking and ‘Monday Night Bridge’ and painting a picture of a well put together 19 year old who knew exactly what she was doing. I don’t think I was fooling anyone on the course, and I definitely wasn’t fooling myself.

I developed two very close friendships within my houseshare which helped me find a sense of “home” within Oxford, but those two girls had family that lived so closeby to the city that they would leave every weekend… which inevitably left me to my own devices. Instead of indulging in the culture of such a beautiful place, I found myself indulging in rumination… and with that, indulging in vast, large quantities of food with it. A numbing, if you will, of the intensity of emotion that I felt. I speak more about my experience of bulimia in another blog post.

By this point, I had been bulimic for about 5 years.

I was used to this cycle. I would binge, purge, promise myself I’d do better on Monday (or when the housemates would return), and starve my way through to the weekend again. I couldn’t sustain it, and it was on one of these weekends that my bulimic brain came up with another cunning way to rid myself of the calories being consumed on these binges.

Running.

I didn’t head out with a plan. I honestly didn’t even know what running would feel like. It wasn’t something I had ever really engaged in at school… the sheer thought of going out and doing that one thing terrified me.

I remember considering all the ways my body was going to jiggle and shake and feeling so repulsed by that thought that it drove me to want to run even more.

But then I did it.

And it hurt, and it felt like shit.

Every step of the way, it felt like shit.

I walked, and it felt like shit.

I stopped for water, and it felt like shit.

I tried to break into a run again, and alas, it still felt like shit.

The whole experience totally sucked. Until I got in, and had a shower… and for the first time in a very very very long time I felt something that was not shit.

I felt something entirely new – pride.

This was not a feeling I was familiar with. I genuinely remember standing in that god-awful-in-need-of-a-deep-clean-shower, and feeling pride wash over me. I called my mum and told her I’d been for a run. It sounded like she was proud too.

Pride.

That pride, I carried everywhere with me. That positive feeling that was SO unfamiliar to me, I used as fuel to give the running thing a go again.

I did the same route. A short little way down Cowley Road, down the side street onto a much busier road (that takes you out of Oxford) and into South Park where it was boggy as fuck at the bottom and then had a pretty sizeable climb up to the playground. Usually getting a little overwhelmed by bumping into other humans as I approached said playground so cutting across to the other side of the park and then sometimes crossing the road into the cutest little wooded area.

As time moved on, I’d push beyond the realms of this short circuit that I created for myself. And that pride thing? It just grew stronger and stronger.

And with that pride came a whole bunch of other things that I had never thought would be the very things that would pull me away from the bulimic bitch that resided in my head

Alongside the pride I also found myself…

· An appetite! Like, genuine hunger. I’d been fucking with my ‘satiation’ signals for so long that I forgot what it was like to have a signal from my stomach to my brain that wasn’t being driven by pure upset or a need for numbing

· A sense of identity – I could now see myself beyond my eating disorder. I was more than just bulimic/shy Jess now. I was also “Runner Jess”

· Something to bloody well talk about in social situations – this helped my social anxiety SO much. Whenever things got hairy meeting new people, I found that I could at least talk about running (and how amazing it is) for ages without boring myself

· This one is going to sound corny as fuck, but I found myself a means of self-exploration that I’d never known before. A means of traveling within myself – introspective work to a whole other level. A time to process the utter whirlwind of my teenage years and spend some time getting to really know myself

I can’t say that all of the above stopped me throwing up my food right away. It was, of course, a long long long process.

My best friend Bulimia introduced me to Running, but it was Running that helped me see that Bulimia had never been my friend at all.

End note. I want to remind anyone reading this (again!) that this is merely just my personal experience with bulimia and running, and that running may not be the answer for you in recovering from your eating disorder. Please do seek advice from your GP before using exercise as a means of recovering. If you do want a space to talk about using running as a tool to aid recovery from bulimia I am always happy to chat over email. Jessica@runtalkrun.com - please do reach out for help or seek further support from placed like BEAT if you’re struggling.

Jessica Robson 12/20/19 Jessica Robson 12/20/19

My (Flexible) Manchester Marathon Training Plan

Probably the most relaxed and flexible marathon training plan I’ve ever taken on!

I am currently training for Manchester Marathon 2020, and I am so excited to be hitting some long distance runs in the coming weeks and months.

It has been way too long since I did anything that gives me the right to say that I am a long distance runner!

So what does my Manchester Marathon Plan actually look like?

Just three runs a week!

Yup, only three.

I do not plan to get a PB, or to run “sub” anything… so I intend to just keep myself as uninjured as possible.

My Manchester marathon plan consists of:

one speed session (intervals, hill reps or tempo).
one gentle 5km (a Run Talk Run!)
one long run!

This is quite possibly the most flexible marathon training plan I have ever tried to adhere to, and I think it is for that reason that I am likely to commit to it the best! I don’t mind which days these runs fall upon, so long as my legs feel rested and ready for the runs.

What run am I enjoying the most?

So, as much as I am loving all of the runs on my marathon training plan, there is just one run that sticks out as my absolute favourite.

For me, it's got to be "the easy 5km".

I mean, there is grit and purpose to be found in the long runs.

There are endorphins and power to be found in those speed sessions.

BUT there is nothing more beautiful, to me, than running without really thinking about the running itself. Maybe this is lazy of me, because it is supposedly the run of the week which is the least hard work hehe #notsorry

For me, there is a certain element of joy in knowing that it is a result of the hard work I put in with my other two sessions, that allows the "easy 5km" feel so damn gentle and enjoyable.

Jessica Robson 12/5/19 Jessica Robson 12/5/19

Womens Running: SAD Feature

A short word on pulling through the winter, fighting against Seasonal Affective Disorder.

This was quite the surprise! I had completely forgotten about giving a few words on Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) for this months edition of Womens Running UK so seeing one of our gorgeous Run Talk Run leaders, Eleanor, tag me in a post about it was a cheery moment.

Anyone who knows me will know that I am part-human, part-sunflower. I LIVE for the sunshine, and so does my brain, apparently.

As the temperatures start to drop, it seems there is a weight pulling my mood down with it. Even though I am a lot lot better at managing my "down days" there is absolutely no denying that I have to fight through an extra layer of fog, to feel ok.

Running isn't gonna cure your shitty feelings. It's not a miracle-worker.

Feeling down (or worse, depressed) is gonna take more than just a brisk run to feel better

BUT... though its not gonna cure you, it might make today feel just a little bit better.

I liken my own experience with depression to being like a knife, that really really cut deep and caused pain that I just don't understand. Running was (and is) my means of "softening the edges" of that knife.

If you have a shitty day with an ushakeable fog (it happens) I really do urge you to head out for a walk or a run if you can. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a tough thing to pull through, but you are tougher, and the sun will shine again.

I am a Confidence Coach, and I currently have 1:1 sessions available to book in for 2020. If you would like to ask me any questions about this coaching, feel free to drop me a line. Or you can book in to have some time on the phone with me (for free, obvs).

Contact