C - Caffeine
14/11/26
Without a doubt the most important drug of my life.
Partly of course because functioning as an adult feels harder now without it, but also because of how it has influenced my identity in many ways and been a social crutch.
Let's start with Diet Coke . An addiction that started aged 16. There was a silliness and lightness in the jokes between me and my peers about how l'd keep my 6th form study desk and locker fully stocked with silver cans, and laugh as well at my agitation if I thought l'd have to go without for several consecutive hours.
But really, the dependence started as soon as I noticed how soothing the icy cold bubbles were on my throat that was being abused by bulimia. There are side effects to that eating disorder that I feel l've mostly just compartmentalised and put away, but the mouth and throat soreness are impossible to forget. Then on a practical level, caffeine would help me get through the school day when my body was so energy depleted from purging (most) foods l'd eaten.
Because my friends - and family even - had trivialised the fact you'd never see a Jess Robson without a DC can in her hand, I kinda just leant into it. I think a highlight of my DC caffeine addiction was receiving a personalised @runtalkrun Diet Coke glass bottle al the way from @staticalertsparky in Australia…. with whom I still exchange pro-DC reels with, almost a decade later!
Before moving onto coffee, my next addiction to caffeine came in the form of pre workout. The first few times I tried it I genuinely thought my face was falling off... but my sweet tooth loved it. Again, whilst mostly recovered from bulimia at this stage, I still wasn't eating enough for how active I was (running and/or gymming 7 days a week) so I was hugely reliant on the bright green liquid zapping me into motion behind a barbell at 5am daily.
The addiction to caffeine is a little more covert and civilised and frankly, socially acceptable, these days. I've not made coffee my whole personality as I did with DC, but im acutely aware that I become more and more snobbish about it by the day and I really couldn't imagine moving to decaf.
Because I don’t drink alcohol to excess and have literally never taken a party drug in my life, I think I reassure myself that starting each day with an extra shot of cortisol is just FINE. But it’s not really. Or is it?
I basically feel that I don’t have the brain capacity to devote any willlpower to giving it up or even delaying the first sip of the day. The fear of withdrawal headaches is enough to fear losing this weird crutch that I have. I am, ironically, too tired to give this any more thought.
