This blog is somewhat self-serving, as I genuinely feel a desire to track the changes that take place as I try this new course of fluoxetine.
Having taken this particular antidepressant before in 2014 and 2017, I’ve been hesitant to return to it. The side effects I experienced in the first 3 weeks (both times) were challenging to say the least. I’ve learned a few lessons along the way, most notably the lesson in psychosis that I experienced when I foolishly drank alcohol in the first week of taking them in 2014. But even so, it’s still helpful for me to feel like I’m aware of what changes are taking place this time around too.
I figured that it might be useful for someone else who wants to see what impact it can have - good and bad. The below is by no means a “typical” experience of taking Fluoxetine, because it will look different on everyone, but this is what it has been like for me, third time round.
Day 1 (5.30pm)
I waited until I had a full meal in my stomach before taking the very first pill. One of the symptoms I remember quite distinctly from my previous experience with fluoxetine was the dizziness and I didn’t want to risk taking the first dose on an empty stomach. To be honest, I felt very little difference in the remaining 5 hours that I was awake on that first day but my sleep told a different story. The dreams were VIVID. As soon as I woke at 6am I frantically typed a WhatsApp to Jake of what I could remember from the dream so that I could pick it apart later. The dream itself was sitting somewhere between “ordinary” and nightmareish. It involved my family, it involved diving into water, and it involved a very familiar feeling of urgency and anxiety which was as distressing in the dream as it is in real life.
Day 2 (6.30pm)
Woke up with an intense headache, like my brain was trying to escape my skull. Felt fairly normal aside from this but struggling to concentrate. Distracted and feeling like I was in a bubble for most of the day. Went into town with Will and Phoebe (siblings) and couldn’t actually enter the shops it all felt far too loud and close - anxiety was high. Felt spaced out walking home. Feeling like I’m not really in my body. Loss of appetite which is unfamiliar for me.
Day 3 (6.30pm)
Woke with another horrific headache. Went for a run which was fine but felt a sick sort of unease when I got back. Little appetite. Everything feeling just a bit flat.
Day 4,5,6 (6-8pm)
Tracked my changes a little differently over these few days because I was in the company of other people and for the most part, felt somewhat distracted from the fact I was on this new medicine. Took this as a good sign.
One thing I noticed while I was in more social settings was that I was finding it harder to communicate as fast as I normally do... almost as though my brain was working harder to keep up with what was going on in the room. I keep (still) finding myself forgetting the right words to things I am trying to say out loud which is frustrating and embarrassing.
The key things that have remained the same every day: the intense morning headaches, the vivid dreams, and the sense of being disconnected from everything in a way that’s quite hard to describe.
The disconnect is what scares me the most I think. I feel insulated to some degree, protected from the world in my own little bubble. I think it is the thing that unnerves me the most because I am someone who would ordinarily feel EVERYTHING.
Having spoken to a close friend about this, she rightly pointed out that in a physical sense my body probably really needs the rest from those intense spikes in overwhelming emotion. The anxiety that literally put me on the floor unable to hold myself together... that’s not a healthy state for my body to be in.
Quite often when I’m anxious, my body will go into the “fight” option of fight or flight mode and that fighting will always be directed inwardly. The desire to scratch my skin, or to purge. So to have fluoxetine calm down that sense of urgency that comes with anxiety has been welcome.
All in all...
There are things that I don’t like about being on Fluoxetine. It’s hard to feel alone in your own little bubble and watch everyone go about their business as if you’re watching from afar. But overall, I feel I’ve made the right decision for both my brain and my body. The calmness that has come over me is so so so welcome. To physically only be met with a morning headache is a blessing. I’m lucky to be able to try again.